Valve has an uncanny knack for bringing life and colour to even the most mundane of objects. I think he might be my favourite video game character of all time. Despite the simplicity of his design – a lack of any distinguishing features at all, really – Wheatley possesses more personality than the cast of most other games put together. Only here he’s a spherical robot with a blinking blue eye – something known as a Personality Sphere. It’s that Bristolian chap from the Barclays adverts, Ricky Gervais’ pal – Stephen Merchant. You’ve been asleep for some time, hauled out of a mammoth slumber by an energetic banging on the door and a familiar voice. It begins in what appears to be a motel room a quaint little cubicle furnished with a bed, desk and the odd decorative object. All of which has made this a right bugger to write. To that end, there are no plot spoilers, no dialogue quotes, no references to cake or lies, no lyrics from Still Alive used as cheesy puns and no explanations of what happened at the end of the first game (for those that weren’t intellectually on the ball enough to finish it). Fear not: this review has been the subject of endless scrutinisation to ensure that you, our cherished reader, do not have one of the best experiences of 2011 – nay, of recent years – ruined for you in any way, shape or form.

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